I Forgot I Was Smart
Warning: major humble brag below!
The first year of my PhD is nearly finished. It’s been a bit of a sprint this past month or so with deadlines at nearly every turn. There’s been a report and a poster and an oral exam and an undue amount of stress. But it’s finally coming to an end.
Last Wednesday, all of the first year PhD students in our department presented their work to the faculty, a few industrial collaborators, and an external examiner. At the end of the day, two awards were given. I was lucky enough to receive the award for “Best PhD Research Project Report and Poster Presentation”. This really struck a chord for me for a couple of reasons.
First, I hadn’t even known there would be prizes until the day before. My supervisor causally mentioned it in our weekly meeting. I’m intensively competitive, but I try to hide it (usually to no avail) from the authority figures in my life.
“Should I have tried harder?” I asked him.
“Tried harder?” he scoffed.
Yeah, I wasn’t really sure how to interpret that.
It’s not that I didn’t work hard on my report or my poster. I did. But there is an amount of effort that I put into something simply to turn it in and there is an amount of effort I put into something to win an award. I hadn’t put the extra effort in; ergo, there was no possible way I could win. It just wasn’t going to happen.
Second, it’s been a while since I’ve won a prize for being smart. My undergraduate degree is from one of the top engineering schools on the planet. It’s one of those places known for its crazy intelligent students, but any student who’s ever gone there can tell you that once you’re on campus, you feel decidedly average. The bar for superiority has been set so high, it’s barely even visible. I gave up on trying to achieve academic excellence in engineering within the first two weeks. I just wanted to pass my classes. And, several sleepless nights and near mental breakdowns later, pass I did. My diploma is the only engineering “award” I’ve received – it’s not so much and award as a “Hey, I guess if you wanted to be an engineer there’s nothing that’s really stopping you”. That’s not to say I didn’t receive awards during my undergraduate studies. I have a certificate for being “An Outstanding Leader” and I once won a “Playmaking” award from the Theater Arts department. (I find it amusing – and a little concerning – that the only monetary prizes I’ve received have been for my work in theater. Oh well.) I had resigned myself to being an average engineer, to just getting by. I honestly didn’t think this would happen.
But here we are! “Best PhD Research Project Report and Poster Presentation”. I get bragging rights and departmental funding for attendance at the conference of my choice. I’m still a little incredulous. Even more surprising to be than the actual winning of the award was the reactions from my fellow first year students:
“Well, we all knew you were going to win."
Wait, what?
You knew I was going to win?
How?
Really?
Me?
You’re not surprised I won?
I’m surprised I won!!
My brain is still struggling to process this - I’m having a minor identity crisis. The reason my blog is called “Nac of All Trades” is because I don’t consider myself a master of any of them. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be a decently average artist, writer, and engineer. I just never thought I would be particularly successful at any of them. This award has me rethinking everything.
Could I really do it?
Could I excel in engineering?
Only time will tell…
