Mental Health Awareness Week/Month
This week is Mental Health Awareness Week in the UK and May is Mental Health Awareness Month in the US - so now seems like as good a time as any to talk about mental health!
PhD students are not exactly known for having stellar mental health. A 2018 study found that 39% of the students surveyed suffered from anxiety and 41% suffered from depression – that number was even higher for female and transgender students (and I imagine it’s higher for other underrepresented groups as well). I’ve witnessed firsthand the impact a doctoral degree can have on mental health. I’ve known students who took leaves of absence or quit their degree program due to mental health issues. I know several students currently receiving mental health treatment. I’m one of them.
I struggle with toxic perfectionism.
I’ve been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember. Let’s be clear, a little bit of perfectionism is okay. It can be motivating and result in really high-quality work. In middle school and high school, my perfectionism manifested itself in my academic achievements; as long as I was doing well in school, everything else was fine.
During my undergraduate studies, my perfectionism skyrocketed to unhealthy levels resulting in bouts of anxiety, depression, and obsessive tendencies. In my first year, I was in danger of failing almost all of my classes, and I begrudgingly realized that I would no longer be a “perfect” student. So I started trying to be “perfect” in other parts of my life. And the toxic perfectionism began.
I began overanalyzing everything I did – from the way I worked to the way I walked and talked. I tried to push everything to extraordinary (and unreasonable) levels. I need to get two experiments done today? Better do four just to be safe (and make sure no one doubts my abilities). They need volunteers for a staged reading of a play? I’ll perform, set up rehearsals, and organize the next event, just for fun (and to demonstrate how indispensable I am). A friend wants to have a normal human conversation? Of course, they can depend on me! I’ll gladly provide insightful feedback, emotional support, and carefully curated facial expressions based solely on my anticipation of what they expect from me. I laughed at the right time, didn’t I? Was it okay that I use the word “capricious” in casual speech? See, totally normal!
I also overloaded myself with other activities. I had a research project. I worked part time at the library. I was in four different theater groups. I joined a leadership program. I turned my Theater Arts minor into a double major. I was constantly in motion, jumping from one group or team to the next. I was worried that if I spent too much time in one place, the people around me would become burdened by my presence and they’d realize how flawed and inadequate I was.
I was lucky to get mental health treatment through my university during undergrad. I had a great therapist and together we were able to tackle the social anxiety I was experiencing. I graduated feeling like I had made a lot of progress getting myself in a better mental state.
And then came the PhD.
This time I didn’t have a million groups and activities to fall back on. I was more isolated than I had been in my entire life. I had moved to a new country without really knowing anyone there. If I wanted to reach out to friends or family, I would have to navigate a 5-8 hour time difference in addition to both of our busy schedules. I tried to put my energy into my PhD, to take up new hobbies, and to form friendships, but in all honesty, I just wanted to go home.
I had a nagging feeling that I had messed something up, but I didn’t know how. I went back to overthinking everything. Had I chosen the wrong PhD program? Had I chosen the wrong project? Had I had done the wrong experiment? Had I used the wrong materials? Had I written wrong email? Had I said the wrong word? Had I existed in the wrong way?
I began obsessively worrying about the simplest things. I could list dozens, but this year’s theme for Mental Health Awareness Week is “Body Image”, so let’s talk about that. I never had a direct problem with body image. I had a problem with obsessing over my financial income (or lack thereof – yay, grad school). I put myself on a strict budget and then I tried to outperform myself by spending even less money. I cut my grocery expenses in half. I never ordered out. I stretched a bottle of pasta sauce and a box of spaghetti into two weeks worth of meals. I stopped taking public transit. I walked everywhere. I lost about a tenth of my body weight. I hadn’t even realized it happened. It wasn’t until a few months ago when my doctor mentioned the quick change in weight that it fully registered in my brain. I hadn’t developed a “negative body image”, instead I completely lacked any awareness of my body image. I had stopped caring about my body and it had very unhealthy consequences.
I attempted to convince myself that all of the uneasiness I felt was part of the process of getting a PhD, everything was fine, and I would get used to it. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that everything I was doing was inadequate, ineffective, and just plain wrong. My very presence in the universe was wrong.
I tried explaining it to my advisor. I tried explaining it my parents, my friends – anyone who would listen. Each time, I heard myself downplay how badly I felt. I was still trying to keep their image of me intact.
But I knew I had a problem. I sought out treatment again. As an international PhD student, there were far more hoops to jump through. My options in the UK were limited; I spent weeks trying to find a service that I met the qualifications for and that I could afford. Eventually, I found a practice in my home town in the US that provides video-therapy.
I’ve been participating in video-therapy for almost a year and a half. I’m so thankful for my therapist. I still struggle with toxic perfectionism, but I have more tools to combat it. I’m in a much better place than I was six months ago. In six months, I hope to be in an even better place. But this process happens day by day. Tomorrow I might obsessively worry about a dozen different things, I might become so overwhelmed I can’t work properly, or I might completely isolate myself from anything that might help me. Or tomorrow might be the day I only overanalyze one action. I know which one I’m hoping for, but I also know that, like me, this process is imperfect. And that’s okay.
I’m afraid to think about where I would be now if I hadn’t reach out for help. I feel so much guilt for doing this to myself and for letting my perfectionism become toxic. Still, I know my mental health struggles seem trivial compared to the arduous battles that many other students face. But I also know I was headed down a destructive path; my problems would likely have rapidly accelerated and made me a danger to myself.
I hope that other students with mental health issues (of all kinds) will see stories like mine and know that they are not alone. There is help out there.
These are the things that have helped me through this process:
- Therapy – finding a good therapist has led me to begin practicing dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) which has helped me to manage my worries and start accepting the reality I’m in
- Regular check-ins from family and friends – it took a while to set up, but I now have a friend or a family member that I feel comfortable reaching out to no matter what time of the day it is; I rely a lot on my friends who are also in PhD programs because we’re often going through similar problems and we need the same support
- Creative work – I try to break the cycle of technical and scientific work by making visual art, writing poems and plays, and (even though I’m decades behind the curve) blogging about my experiences
I am still a work in progress. I will always be a work in progress. This Mental Health Awareness Week/Month, I’m rooting for all of the other works in progress out there. Thanks to everyone else who has shared their story over this week/month. I know it’s not easy, but we’re going to get through it – together.
