Switching therapists - when you want to and when you don't

This past week a story I wrote about my experience switching therapists was featured on the PhD Balance Instagram page. You can see it here.

Here's a slightly longer version of that story:

Over the past five years, I’ve had four different therapists. They’ve all been helpful to me in one way or another. One was helpful because she wasn’t the right therapist for me.

She was the first therapist I saw. It was the summer before my junior year of college. I was feeling stressed and I had recently been having long stretches of seemingly unexplainable sadness and despair. It hadn’t reached a head yet, but it was starting to become more and more concerning. I also knew that I had a heavy course load coming up in the next semester. I knew that if I needed professional help that semester, I would need to go to the medical center on campus, fill out numerous forms, and go to an initial appointment which may not be at a convenient time. So I decided to set everything up in the summer before the chaos of classes started. That way, if I needed it, I wouldn’t have to waste time jumping through hoops.

I will readily admit that I did not go into that first therapy session with the best of attitudes.

I knew I was heading down a path that would very likely lead to anxiety and depression, but I wasn’t there yet. In my mind, I was perfectly fine, and I expected that this therapist would tell me the same thing. Without saying it outright, this is what I attempted to communicate to my therapist. She listened carefully and warmly agreed with my own self-assessment. Yes, I was sad sometimes, but it was a temporary, if somewhat prolonged, state. Yes, I was very worrisome and stressed, but I had  a very rigorous course load. This was normal.

I walked out of my therapy session confused. Part of me felt like I had spent the last hour lying to that therapist. Part of me was confident that everything I had told her was true. Part of me realized that there was a bigger problem than “just feeling sad for long periods of time” on the horizon. Part of me pushed that thought down and refused to let it be true.

My next therapy session went much like my first. Again, my therapist warmly agreed with me and accepted what I said. She was a great listener. But, on some level, I knew that this wasn’t right. I had a problem and I needed help addressing it and she wasn’t doing that (though to be fair, I was making that very difficult for her). She suggested that I contact her again when I had a more pressing problem.

It would be almost a year before my random bouts of sadness became a “more pressing problem”. I went back to the mental health services office on campus and when they asked me whether I wanted a male or a female therapist, I said male because I did not what to see my first therapist again. Even though I recognized that I needed to be more open with my issues in order to receive help, I knew I would still try to diminish and hides those issues. I wanted a therapist who would push me to create real change in my life, not just bury my problems. I knew the first therapist I saw would not do that, so I switched to a different therapist. It was my choice and it was what I needed.

I’d like to stress that your therapist does not need to be a “bad therapist” in order for you to consider switching. They just need to be a bad therapist for you. If you’re not getting what you need out of your therapy sessions, you can switch. It’s okay. Believe me, your therapist will understand and, if they’re a halfway decent therapist, they’ll want you to talk to someone who will have a more positive impact in your life.

That said, this is not a decision to take lightly. If you are uncomfortable with your current therapist, I’d encourage you to examine whether you’re uncomfortable because your therapist isn’t helping you or because you’re finally getting the help you need and it feels unnatural. Ultimately, you need to do what’s best for you.

I stopped going to therapy once I graduated from my undergraduate university. Leaving mapus meant that I was leaving most of my stressors behind. A few months into grad school the combination of homesickness, pressure to constantly create, and a more flexible schedule led me to seek out treatment again.

Due to the lack of long term mental health services team at my new university, I began video therapy with a practice in my home town. My new therapist was fantastic. It took me a while to warm up to her, but I soon began looking forward to seeing her. About 8 months after our first session, she left the practice to follow her dream of becoming an elementary school psychologist.

Another therapist at the practice took me on. I was apprehensive at first because it felt like I was regressing when I had to explain to this new therapist who I was and why I had initially sought treatment. But soon enough, the new therapist was up to speed. (I also consented to the two therapists discussing my progress with one another which I think was particularly beneficial in ensuring a quick, but thorough transition.) I’ve been seeing this therapist for about 6 months and I’m very happy with the treatment that I’ve been receiving.

That is to say, if for some reason, you have to switch therapists and it is not your choice, it can be a scary and uncertain time, but it will be okay. If possible, have your first therapist communicate as much as possible with your new therapist. Be ready to communicate with the new therapist as well.

Whether the switch was your choice or not, once you know there is going to be a change in your treatment, mentally prepare for that process.

Brace yourself: You’re going to have to go through the introductory stage all over again. I now have a document that’s about a page along explaining my mental health treatment history, my family history of mental illness, and some additional information about me. It’s easier to just read it off or email it to a new therapist than to do it on the spot (plus, I’m less likely to forget something important that way).

Keep an open mind: Every therapist is a little different. You’re going to have to adjust to a new style of treatment. Talk to your therapist about your expectations for them and ask them what their expectations are for you.

Trust your gut: If something feels off or weird, that’s probably because it is. Figure out the source of the weirdness. If you’re comfortable with it, communicate this to your therapist. They’ll understand.

At the end of the day, you need a therapist that is right for you. You'll know it when you've got one. And even though it would be nice to have that one forever, there will be others who can also help you. Switching is probably going to happen at some point. If you're prepared for it, it will be much less stressful!