Networking can be nerve-wracking
Networking can be nerve-wracking…literally.
Take the last conference I attended, for example. This is a picture of me sitting outside of the dining room in the Harvard Club of Boston. Upstairs, over one hundred of my peers are networking with CEOs, executive directors, and tenured professors. They are chatting animatedly over appetizers, exchanging business cards, and making connections that will further their careers.
I am sitting downstairs.
Why? Well, I spent about 20 minutes upstairs. And I tried – I really did.
I tried to shake hands and smile with enthusiasm. I tried to tell the other researchers and entrepreneurs around me about my work. I tried to ask them what they did. I tried to ignore the voice in my head telling me that I had said the wrong thing or that I was talking too much or that I wasn’t engaged enough. I tried to pretend that I couldn’t hear my heartbeat. I tried to tell myself that I wasn’t hyperventilating – I was breathing quickly because the room was warm. I tried to convince myself that the lightheadedness was simply because I was hungry.
As another person joined the circle I was standing with, I went to shake their hand and I noticed that my own hand was literally shaking. I couldn’t get it to stop. In that instance, I knew that I was a minute or so away from a panic attack.
I excused myself from the circle as politely as possible, grabbed a glass of water, and headed to the empty couches downstairs where I stayed until it was time for dinner. Some combination of the crowded room, the loud conversations, and the pressure to not only talk to an “important person” but to be an “important person” myself had nearly pushed me over the edge. It took me a few minutes to calm myself down by taking sips of water and deep breaths. I don’t think anyone noticed that I was gone or thought that anything was out of the ordinary. I was just grateful that there was somewhere I could go to get away from the chaos and deescalate whatever was happening.
Situations like this are why I really struggle with the typical idea of networking.
Typical networking events like the one I attended usually promote making a maximum amount of connections in a minimum amount of time. It’s a great way to increase the quantity of connections made, but I worry about the quality of those connections. I’ve only met a handful of people through these events that I felt truly connected with. Most of the time, I feel like the person I’m talking to is just talking to me until they get a chance to talk to the more interesting/exciting/experienced person standing nearby.
These feelings are why I always thought I was bad at networking. They are probably why I nearly had a panic attack. But this experience has helped me to realize a few things about networking:
1. You don’t have to work the room at typical networking events. You can stay at the same table all night. You can talk to one person the entire time. You can leave early. (You can choose not to go at all.) There is no rule that says you have to stand uncomfortably in that room if you don’t want to – so don’t!
2. There are a lot of different types of networking – choose the one you’re most comfortable with. I’ve found that I prefer networking in small groups or one-on-one. Small group networking could be a workshop or a dinner table at a conference. One-on-one networking can be as formal as a scheduled meeting or as informal as a quick coffee break. I think I like these forms better because networking often isn’t the main focus – it’s just something that happens along the way. (I also like that I don’t have to compete against over a hundred people for attention in a noisy, packed room.)
3. No matter how you network, make the follow-up count. It can be a hassle sending post-conference emails and LinkedIn invites, but I really like it. I can take my time coming up with a response without any extra pressure. I can personalize my message depending on what we discussed. And if I do get a response, I feel genuinely connected to that person, even if I didn’t beforehand.
There were other networking events like this throughout the conference. At one, I just stood by a table in the back of the room. A few people happened to come to the table and I really enjoyed the conversation we had. After it was over, I was exhausted, so I left – even though the event was scheduled to go one for another hour. I also had one of the best discussions about diversity and inclusion that I’ve ever experienced at a lunch table during this conference. Because the group was small enough, everyone was able to contribute, raising issues and suggesting solutions. Later in the week, I got coffee with a project manager I used to work with, and I had lunch with a former classmate working in similar field.
All of this is networking! I really value the connections I’m making and maintaining. Still, I struggle to remind myself that I’m not “bad at networking” – I just don’t like typical networking events. And that’s okay. They’re not the only way to build a network.
Special thanks to Joanne Kamens who mentioned a lot of this in her workshop at GapSummit 2019!
